Our GriefShare topic this week was something I have struggled with probably more than anything since Emmy died -- and it may come as a surprise to many what it is. Heaven.
Yes, I have struggled with heaven.
Not the overall concept or whether or not it is "real" (I 100% believe that it is). But rather, the details (or lack there of) that I can really hold on to as a mourning mama.
While there is scripture "Re" the likes of Heaven, we are offered surprisingly little concerning the specifics. And I'm not just talking the aesthetics and atmosphere -- what it looks like, feels like, sounds like. But more so what life is like there.
Here are some of the questions that have tumbled around in my head and heart the past two-and-a-half years...maybe you can relate?
- How do I know my baby is in heaven? This may sound ridiculous, but guys. There is no scripture that says "when babies die they go to heaven." There is no text, no spoken word from God, no solid proof. I do believe my baby is with Jesus. But you can't blame me for wanting a little assurance.
- Can she hear/see/feel me from heaven? Does she know she is missed every day? Does she know the words I pray for my own heart, for her sister, for her daddy? Does she hear me when I tell God how much I miss and love her? Can she comprehend how much I ache for her, even though I know she's in a better place? Does she know???
- What will she look like when I get to see her again? What age will she be? Will she know me? Will I be able to hold her, kiss her face, look into her eyes and for the first time know their color? One of the things I long despreately to know is what my girl would look like. I hope one day to look on her beautiful face and know.
- Does she really watch over her sister? Yes, we say that she does. We tell others and ourselves that Lexi has the best guardian angel. But is that really how it works?
I could honestly go on and on with the things I have wondered about my baby in heaven. And I assume I am not alone in my curiosity.
At first I wanted to sit here and proclaim with conviction that God does not owe me any answers (and he doesn't). But in reality, He has already given me every answer I need. Note: I didn't say every answer I want -- rather every answer I need.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
Is that not all I need to know?